Here’s a scene in someone’s life:
He wants dinner cooked.
She wants help with the laundry.
He wants to have a date night every week, at home.
She wants to go out on the town at least once a month.
She wants to talk but he doesn’t want to talk right now.
Now he wants to talk and she has nothing to say.
Days of arguing turn into weeks, into months of arguing and not getting along and now you’ re well into the year and you have no idea how you got here. When you try to talk it out with your partner, you both have very different accounts on where it started and who started it. All you’re thinking about is quitting and leaving, but you can’t. You’re both entrepreneurs, working to make life happen and you have customers to serve. More and more you find being at work the highlight of your day.
Has this happened to you? Are you finding your needs unmet? Do you find it difficult to have a simple conversation which only results in an argument of seemingly something stupid or small? Do you wish you could get back to the way things were or better before you got to this point of no return?
Well you can do something about it before it’s too late. The key ingredient is to know that you have a solid committed relationship with someone you trust. Too often people try to make it work where there is no commitment or trust. But if you have commitment and trust together, even if the communication is off or you’re not seeing eye-to-eye, your relationship needs can be met and your entrepreneurship paths do not have to suffer.
This article speaks to those who are in new relationships and marriages or to those who want to rekindle what has been missing for a long time. If you were to ask him or her right now “Do you remember how we got here and where it started and why?” more than likely your answers won’t match. But what will matter above everything is for you to know in your heart and mind that the one you are with can be trusted and that you are both committed to making it work.
From a personal page in my book, when our relationship was very new, we had our first disagreement about 3 months into the romance. Somehow we ended up sitting on the top of the steps in our home one Saturday afternoon. He spoke first and said he didn’t want to be arguing all the time and that we were adults and should be able to talk things out no matter what it was. We also agreed to always be honest on what we were feeling and what we needed. That day, part of that agreement on the steps was to make the steps we were sitting on “our spot” to have those heart-to-heart discussions. We agreed to listen to the other and not walk out and we also made each other a promise NOT to cheat but to let the other person know we wanted out of the relationship before embarking on someone new. It was tough when we had this discussion because our emotions were high, but at the same time it was refreshing because it was at that moment I knew I had someone special who was willing to commit to us and unafraid to say he would do whatever it took for us to make it and I had to do my part as well. This is important to note because we were both entrepreneurs in the early stages of our relationship and business, and we hadn’t put all the pieces together for our life on how to make it work between us. We were still getting to know each other. However, when we had “the talk”, this initial set up of talking would become the base for how we handle most things now.
You’re probably wondering if we still have problems and the answer is yes we do, from time-to-time. And of course every now and then we get off course and fall into old habits of communicating and being spiteful, we argue loudly and sometimes we can seem to be falling apart, but I would not be authentic if I said otherwise.
What gets us through when our needs aren’t being met? What can get you through when you feel your needs aren’t being met?
Yes, it’s that simple.
See people have a basic need to feel good, eat good food and be loved. So somewhere in the process of building your business(es) and taking care of your family, needs get lost in the shuffle and the relationship takes a back seat. Most of the times it isn’t intentional, life is just happening and we become comfortable and forget.
“Why should I keep calm…I’m upset and he(she) is not listening.”
Keeping calm is a primary factor in reducing a head-on collision and break down in a relationship. Now-a-days, some people are more emotional, more expressive and have fewer healthy outlets to vent which can give way to violence, reduction in productivity, loss in income, the demise of the relationship or all of the above. When one feels he or she is not being heard both parties tend to shut down and nothing gets accomplished.
Being in control of your emotions while you get your point across about what you need can be the difference between sparing your partner’s feelings and you having to apologize….to you or your partner seeking revenge and regretting the actions for the rest of your lives.
Whether your relationship is just beginning or has been in place for a while, it is critical to set check points to see how each other is feeling before there is a problem. It is also a good idea to study the habits of your partner and ask what does he or she need. When you feel the situation brewing, make sure you are in a place to have a conversation with logic vs. emotions so you will be heard. Also give your partner space to think and gather their wits instead of demanding to talk at that very moment.
Some proven methods to help you calm down is to lower your voice when addressing the problem using the softest tones as possible. When you know you are dealing with high emotions, stay quiet but not ignoring your partner. State that you don’t want to talk right now but that you would after you have time to think and calm down. This reassures your partner that s(he) is emotionally safe and you’re not about to go have an affair or leave the relationship. Have a meet up spot such as “the steps” or a coffee shop or some neutral place in public where your partner is less likely to cause a scene. If need be, take some time apart by going outside to walk the dog, take a walk to the park or just sit outside and breathe in the air to clear your head. Whatever you do, if you feel a rage rising up or if you feel hurtful words wanting to spew from your mouth, do whatever it takes not to speak or be hurtful.
Once you can calm down, address what you’re not getting and have solutions on how to fix the problem. If it’s many things, take them one at a time.
Yes you can seek counseling, but at the same time, you have what it takes within to correct a lot of your problems with getting your needs met if you calm down from within and began to listen attentively with the intent to fix it and make it better.
Try it and let me know what you think.